Elf Cock is not all it's cracked up to be

[xraytheenforcer]

As in...there was none.

What a shambolic disappointment of a book. First, the promised elf porn never materialized. The closest anything gets to this is our plucky heroine stripping in public (twice) and squeezing herself in different places and breathing hard. Merlin wept! There are more graphic accounts of eros in a Judy Blume book. The rest of the book continued like a particularly shitty episode of Charmed and then ended on the lamest cliffhanger ever. That's right, kids. This book had no narrative arc to speak of. No, it just gets lopped off in the middle.

In all, a sad farce. Anyone have any recs for elf porn NOT written by Laurell K. Hamilton (I already know about the Merry Gentry novels)? This has become a mission.

Comments

[guppyur.livejournal.com]

First, the promised elf porn never materialized.

*cancels order*

[xraytheenforcer.livejournal.com]

LOL

[after-nightfall.livejournal.com]

Bah. And I was so looking forward to reading about all the anatomically unlikely exploits of elf cock...

If you want elf porn and are not very discriminating, there's plenty of porny LOTR fanfic around.

[xraytheenforcer.livejournal.com]

I am considering posting the most salacious bits anyway (will be tomorrow), but I felt I had to come clean on the utter lack of erotic anything. I feel cheated. :(

[ildrinn.livejournal.com]

Did you ever see the LJ of someone called crevette? She was reviewing some horrible self-published piece of vampire/elf porny nonsense called something like "Night Travels of the Elven Vampire"... it did look really rather special...

[xraytheenforcer.livejournal.com]

NO! But damn, does that sound interesting.
Was it actually published, or was it fanfic? Because I'm looking for legitimately published elf porn. (stop looking at me that way) It must be out there, and I just have to find it...

[ildrinn.livejournal.com]

Well, it's self-published, so not exactly fanfic, and not exactly a real book either, though it does come in book form... I've dug out the links for you; original review is here, then apparently the author rewrote the book under a different name, and that's reviewed here. You may well enjoy the reviews more than the actual book.

[xraytheenforcer.livejournal.com]

heinous. just heinous.

[regina-of-york.livejournal.com]

The solution to your problem is simple, really. Write some readable elf porn, and use your mighty contacts to get it published.

*et voila*


You can thank me by putting excerpts on LJ for us to um...review...for you. ;-)

[xraytheenforcer.livejournal.com]

I might have to, so help me God.

[beniowa79.livejournal.com]

*is fascinated by Xray's new obsession with Elf Porn and waits to see where it leads*

[xraytheenforcer.livejournal.com]

nowhere good, I assure you.

[limecat-lotn.livejournal.com]

I have been pondering the Elf Porn. I am thinking that the sexual prowess of the Elves is overrated. For one, they are so old. Sex has probably become boring. Also, they spend all their time jerking it over trees and lamenting over the first age. Jesus, enough with the emo and on with the sexo.

I bet they are wet noodles.

The Inchoroi on the other hand ...

[xraytheenforcer.livejournal.com]

the inchoroi might have all the tricks, but they make an unpalatable cocktail (thus far). bleargh.

[ailiergauche.livejournal.com]

I've seen elf porn on the internet.


Actually, scratch that - it was probably just midgets.

[xraytheenforcer.livejournal.com]

"I hate Nazi sex midgets." -- Channon Yarrow